‘We’re Pivoting to Hippy Crack’: Novara Media to Sell ‘Nos’ to Socialist Teens

‘Balloons turn teenagers into commies’.

by Simon Childs

1 April 2023

Host Michael Walker pictured with Novara Media’s own brand of nos.
Host Michael Walker pictured with Novara Media’s own brand of nos.

Editor’s note: This is an April fools’ day joke.

Looking for a more serious take on government plans to criminalise laughing gas? Read Moya Lothian-McLean’s recent op-ed, which argues the crackdown isn’t about anti-social behaviour, but social control. 

Novara Media is to launch its own brand of nitrous oxide for recreational use in defiance of a government ban on the drug.

The drug is the subject of a new crackdown from ministers supposedly concerned about anti-social behaviour. Experts expect the ban to create a shadowy underworld of nitrous oxide dealers linked to organised crime gangs.

“Much like with other drugs, we expect the war on nitrous oxide to create a buoyant underground market – one which we intend to take full advantage of”, said Novara Media co-founder Aaron Bastani from his luxury yacht home docked in the Seychelles.

Novara Media intends to continue publishing independent journalism for the time being as it implements its strategic vision of turning the company into a front through which to launder drugs money. “We’re pivoting to hippy crack”, Bastani said.

After lengthy internal discussions, staffers concluded that selling drugs to children is a more ethical funding model than Novara Media’s competitors, which are bankrolled by either plutocrats, murderous dictators, or so much advertising that using their websites melts the internal workings of your laptop.

Novara Media understands that behind the government’s purported concern over anti-social behaviour lies a different motive. Research from Westminster’s Behavioural Insights Team shows that the drug was behind the so-called “youthquake” of the 2017 election, when large numbers of young people voted for Labour under disgraced former leader Jeremy Corbyn.

A government source said: “Young people voted for socialism because they were hallucinating from all the nos they had been taking. There’s literally no other explanation. We can’t let that happen again.”

“Balloons turn teenagers into commies,” the source said.

Michael Walker, host of Novara Live, an hour of political chat streamed every weeknight, came up with the idea to market nos under the strap line, “No future, utopia now”. Walker is known to regularly use nitrous oxide throughout live shows, waiting for guest contributors to speak before inhaling.

“Balloons keep my mind sharp”, Walker said.

The nos, which will be mined from asteroids, will offer users a glimpse into a brighter future in the here and now.

“We expect the thrill of revolution to feel much like the heady rush you get from huffing on a balloon outside a kebab shop after being chucked out of a bar on Kingsland High Street,” Bastani said. “We want to give users that excitement today.”

Simon Childs is a commissioning editor and reporter for Novara Media.

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